My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
