why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
