I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Couch. On fire.
I'm bleeding and have questions
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
