So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
