your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
