I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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