apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I just gargled with NyQuil
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
