Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
