party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
