if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize