i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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