her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
