i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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