First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
