You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
