Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
