her vagine was all disorganized.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
