I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
