I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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