I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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