you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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