Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
