I think my fart just growled at me.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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