i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
