i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
