I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize