im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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