I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
