so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
