hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Randomize