I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
