i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
