Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
