he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I enjoy the company of your penis
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
