Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
