I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
