Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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