i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
