sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
