god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
