i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
