I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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