Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
