Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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