we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
