I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
