I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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