Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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