My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
