you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize