That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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