So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
