You can't motorboat a personality
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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