Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
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