my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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