You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
