It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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