The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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