I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
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