My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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