I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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