Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
