You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
