Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
