I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
