End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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