"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
